


Can't Sleep

by sinon



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Late night thoughts, Loneliness, M/M, One Shot, POV Second Person, in which things were a little different
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 05:45:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18337385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinon/pseuds/sinon
Summary: You think some people were put in this world to be hard to get over





	Can't Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> feeling nostalgic in this chills tonight

He's sleeping against your arm, soft breaths tickling the hair by your ears, and if you hold your own you can hear him mutter something soft in his sleep. You're supposed to be sleeping, you should be sleeping, it's way too late or perhaps too early for you to be awake. You stopped playing your games hours ago, but still you can't sleep. There's class tomorrow, there's always class, and you never get enough rest as it is, but it's hard to fall asleep when he's solid beside you. It's the first time in so long he hasn't felt like a figment of your imagination. 

He's too much like a ghost sometimes. He hides away in the library or sometimes in an empty classroom or on the windowsill in the attic. It's when he's studying, when he's quiet and far away, that you don't know if he's real or not. You're perhaps not all there in the head and sometimes you have to wonder if your own deluded mind made him up so you wouldn't feel so lonely. 

Doubtful, considering having him at all makes you feel even lonelier.

You don't want to be the person who holds him back from his potential. He wants to be L and you want him, want him so bad, but he's not yours and you can't keep him from doing the things he does. 

You hold him a little closer. 

You don't want to blame L, but sometimes you hate him. For how much he's not there for any of you, Mello always seems to be there for him. It would be cute, how he'd play fetch if L threw him a bone, if it weren't for the fact that he was always left waiting, waiting, for L to need him, for him to be of any use that the longer he went without being needed the deeper he fell into despair. It wasn’t so obvious at first. Mello was generally not very nice, but sometimes he was meaner, sometimes he was cruel and you'd written it off as a bad day in the past but lately there's been a lot more bad days than good. 

It's not even the anger that worries you, it's the quiet days that scare you. It's when you go days without catching a glimpse of him that makes you want to rip your hair out. 

So when he told you that he was going to Japan, that he was going to prove himself useful, you hadn't been surprised. Hurt, because he didn't ask you to come with him, because that thought didn't even seem to occur to him, but not surprised.

He's in your arms, you can feel little puffs of his breath against your neck, but you know you've lost him. 

_He was never yours to lose_ , your treacherous mind reminds you but your heart still aches. You wonder how long it'll take for the scent of chocolate to fade from your sheets, wonder how long he'll smell nicotine before he forgets you.

You don't know what love is, you never had any family and before Wammy's you never had any friends, but you think this might be it. You'd like to think you're numb, you've always been accused of looking at the world through gold tinted lenses, but your not as unaffected by the harsh realities of the world as you'd like to be. You've never been a selfish person, but you want nothing more than to lock Mello away where you can keep him safe. You love him, you're pretty sure. 

Only love could ever hurt this much. 

Your eyes are tired and it's getting harder to keep them open but you don't want to go to sleep. You're scared you're going to wake up and find him gone. You're scared to find out that he was never there. 

You can't sleep. 

So you stay awake and you hold him and you inhale because if this was going to be the last time that you ever see him, then you want to be able to have this moment to remember him.

He's in your arms, curled up against your side, warm and solid, and you know it's goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> i read the summary quote some time ago and i can't find it anymore but it seems to have stuck with me


End file.
